Two weeks ago I went to a counsellor for the first time. I am not one for holding back when you seek medical advise so I launched right into my situation and why I had booked in. The main two points were my Mum’s suicide and another issue that is not relevant here. Mainly I talked about Mum.
The counsellor asked a few questions as I struggled to open up through the tears. She asked me some questions I had been asked before. After I relayed some memories of Mum, the counsellor asked ‘What are your feelings surrounding these memories? What were you feeling as a little girl?’
No one had ever asked me those questions before. I had to think about my answer. It wasn’t easy to think back to being a little girl. So my responses startled me. In most of the memories I was scared, disappointed, angry, upset and stressed.
These were some of the memories that came to mind:
- In needed help to change my Barbie’s clothes. I was pestering Mum to get her help. She was on the phone and I got the feeling she didn’t want to help me.
- I wanted to go swimming on a Sunday morning. I was trying to waked Mum up to come with me because I wasn’t meant to go alone. She was angry with me for trying to wake her up. She yelled at me and slapped me lightly on the face.
- It was Christmas. We (my two brothers, Mum and me) were going to the shopping centre to get our photo with Santa. My brothers had just explained to me that Santa wasn’t real. I was upset and didn’t want to go on and sit on an imposter’s knee.
- It was Mum, my brothers and me for the day. Mum was excited to present us with three options of how we could spend the day. They were all beautiful and fun. Things like a) going to Adventureworld followed by a picnic in the park, b) spending the day at the beach with a cold slushy each and a dusk dinner of fish and chips or c) something equally as enticing… My brother proposed another idea, something he had been waiting and hoping for, something he would have really enjoyed. Mum blew up. An alternative was not an option and now all of the options were off the table.
- Mum and Dad fighting, repeatedly.
I never realised in all my thinking about the past and recalling these few memories that they were mostly negative.
Unfortunately, we didn’t have enough time to explore my discovery further and I don’t have another appointment for two weeks so I won’t uncover more about this discovery until then.
I want to know:
- How do I reconcile these negative memories into something positive?
- How do I make my ‘inner child’ happy?
- Can I achieve the above by finding more memories with Mum that are positive? Or focussing on memories with other people instead?
I would suggest deliberately thinking about positive memories, maybe not at a very young age but at an older age? There are certainly some. Think about them all, try to revive them and maybe just “finish” with the bad memories: “it happened, but it’s over now. At that time it made me unhappy or upset but it is over now. There are positive things and I want to remember them because they are the ones that make me feel good” kind of like that.
Thanks mehrspieltrieb. I think you are probably right that focusing on the good memories is a much more positive way of being, generally.
This is my first time to counselling, ever. I\’m not quite sure where my counsellor is going with the line of questioning mentioned in my post, but I think that drawing attention to the fact these memories were negative (something I never realised before) and working through them is part of the process of healing. For the first time I am not in denial about my children mother memories and that is a step forward.
Next counsellor visit: this Friday June 19th, 2009. Keep posted for an update.